Archive | March 2013

Overcast :)

Last night I was going to hang out with friends, and going outside…. that was beautiful. The sky was full of heavy dark grey clouds, all except for a silver horizon. Lovely. Truly lovely. I live for skies like that.

But  being with friends is fun to. It’s so nice to have people laugh at you! I suppose Sociologists might call it the Looking-glass Theory: How do you know if you’re funny? Usually by people laughing at you. Not that I’m all that funny, but it does make one feel good.

Since coming to BYU-I, I’ve come to really value friendships, and get-togethers such as what I had last night. I don’t have those much back home. So I feel blessed in being here. Every once in a while I wonder how I’m going to manage to give back, after all that I’ve received. How wonderful it is to make friends and visit old roommates.

Of course, I imagine it’s much easier in a collage environment. I wonder what will happen when I leave it behind.

Reading assignments

Man, my class was doing pretty good on the books we were assigned to read. And then they had to assign Between Shades of Gray. It’s not a bad book, it’s just the kind of book I don’t like. I mean, it seems to me a lot like a Holocaust book. That’s not exactly pleasant. What a brilliant book to end the semester with.

Last year I had to read 1984 and Brave New World. Those weren’t exactly pleasant stories either. Also last year in one of my English classes we had a unit on short stories. For some reason it seems like all of the short stories are depressing and or disturbing. None of them are pleasant.

I remember that once I finished my reading assignments for those short stories, I quickly grabbed a Janette Rallison book in order to cure my mind. I don’t consider her works to be great literature, far from it. But they are good if you want a clean, funny, cute, comedy romance. And I have to say, they worked perfectly for curing souls that have been burdened with disturbing, depressing, unpleasant stories.

Ray of sunshine

It’s so nice when people are aware of your troubles, and do something to help you out. Today, for instance, I had to work on that beast of a paper. Horrid thing. I don’t especially like it, but that’s only because I’m not doing as well as I prefer. It wasn’t quite so nightmarish today as it was on Saturday, but it was still nice that I had a sister who was thoughtful enough to go to the store and buy me a treat. It was so wonderful, I am incredibly grateful to her. And, for the record, I’ve finished the first write-though, I have reached the page minimum at last- and hopefully it doesn’t sound too bad. I’m afraid to look at it again, because I know I would probably want to re-write the whole thing. I’ve decided to put it away for now, and worry about revising tomorrow.

Snow but no snow day

By the way, it snowed. A lot. Winter came back for a bit.

But there will be no romping in the snow for me today (not that I would do it anyway, but…) Because I’ve got a big research paper draft due on Tuesday, and I’ve barely started on it. All week I’ve had to push back this assignment in order to do others first, or to spend a bit of time with my friend from D&D. He left yesterday, so it was good we did get to spend that time. But still, now I have this assignment which is beginning to look like quite the mountain to climb, and I have to do it in one or two sittings. Ulgh. Worse, it won’t have time to… cure. It seems like no matter how well you do and how often you revise it, you’re not going to get it good unless you let it sit for a while before you revise it.

This sense of impending doom is really taking the joy out of sleeping in and looking forward to tomorrow (where I watch more of that Korean Drama).

 

 

Sometimes actually working on the thing can relieve the sense of impending doom, even if you aren’t getting as far as you’d like. For example, I’ve worked most of the day on this silly paper. I’m a little over halfway done the preliminary writing, and I’m not sure what else I’m going to say. This tends to be disheartening, but it is countered by the sense of accomplishment one gets from getting at least something done. I like what I’m writing, for the most part. That is, I like the material (a film judgement on the 1982 ‘The Scarlet Pimpernel). I’m not overly excited about the writing, because I don’t feel like I have a clear thesis, and I’m probably going to have to rewrite the whole beginning before I turn in the final draft.

Did I mention this paper was worth about a third of my grade?

And yet somehow I let myself get roped into another social engagement. It’s hard to help myself, I’m not used to socializing very much, so I jump on every opportunity that I can. Besides, it can’t hurt too much. It may be beneficial for me to let my mind rest and clear, so then it can fill itself with other ideas of points I can cover in my paper. At any rate, since coming to BYU-I I’ve come to value friendships a lot more. It’s one of those strange things I don’ think would have happened as easily at home.

Drizzle

I’m less distressed today as I was yesterday, though I’m still not exactly ‘peachy keen.’ But life goes on. I’ll do the silly group project, take home exam, write ups, and research essay- and they’ll be done on time and of reasonable quality. One can feel the end getting closer. A couple of weeks and I won’t have to worry about any of this anymore.

The trouble right now is that I’m having a hard time getting myself to work, and to work effectively. I’m tired out and have little motivation left. Particularly in this other group project I have to do. Oh what have I gotten myself in to? Thankfully, there’s a R.S. activity that should help me relax. The one downer is that I have to go to a meeting for that group project afterwards. That also means I need to do the research today.

Sigh.

Rainy day

So… I made a dumb mistake in a class that caused me to miss an assignment. The problem is, it’s the second time I’ve made this dumb mistake and the teacher doesn’t accept late work. Headache.

I distracted myself from my troubles by skyping home to my little brother. Poor guy. He hasn’t been to church or school for months because of health issues. One gets bored and lonely. And being lonely… that’s such a hard thing to go through. I have to say I felt alone a lot in my teenage years. I kind of clung to my church friends because I didn’t feel I had any in school. But at least I could go do church and school. But I can understand the desire to just… have people talk to you, and to be out and about.

I wish I could help. It’s no fun. People don’t always realize it, people aren’t always aware of those who feel alone. It’s terrible, but what can you do? I could spare an hour and a half of my time. I could put off my homework for that. But still… there is much left still to be done. Human beings… we need to feel connected. We keep trying to reach out, shooting out in different directions in the hopes that we will find contact. That’s why I bother to keep blogging even though nobody reads this.

Still, it is strangely soothing to take a break from your troubles in order to help out other people with theirs.

But then I had to get off skype for class, and it all comes back- the missed assignments, the hunger, the clean check, the headache, and those group meetings I have to go to. This is the trouble with me when I get upset; it doesn’t happen overly much, but when it does- then all the little things get you down. And then there is also the bigger things. Like that Humanities paper.

First day of spring… and it’s raining.

 

Coordination and my Superego

Just let me vent for a sec.

So in my Sociology class we meet only one day a week, but we have a lot of ‘out of class’ assignments. This week, we have to learn about Social Stratification by playing a game of Monopoly where the wealth is distributed unevenly at the beginning. So we do have to organize into groups out of class. “How many other people will we need in our group?” asks a student. The answer is ‘seven.’

Seven? Eight total, including oneself.

Do you know how hard it is to coordinate eight schedules?

But luckily, my group came up with a time to meet pretty quickly. 10:15 p.m. P. M?! Yeah, because one person has a night class that ends at 10:00. Who in their right minds would to do a group project right after a night class (I’ve taken a few night classes, by the way, and I really enjoyed them but they can be draining)? Or do a group assignment at 10:15 at night? And the game is supposed to last an hour and the half. This means I’ll be doing a school assignment until nearly curfew! I don’t want to do a school assignment until near curfew!

But part of my mind thinks I shouldn’t complain. Well, there is always a part of my mind that tells me to shut up and stop complaining. I think in Freudian terms, I guess you would call it my Superego, and I have a pretty strong one. I can rarely complain about anything without reprimanding myself. I mean, think about it- in the work force you oftentimes have to work in groups, and people are usually even busier at that time of life- what with work, family, possibly schooling, and no doubt other responsibilities as well. It’s probably even more of a nightmare to coordinate then. But complaining only makes it harder for everyone else, it gets you nowhere, and it may put your job at risk.

So I’m trying not to be a brat about it.

But even when I do give ear to my Superego, sometimes I wish it would shut up and let me complain every once in a while. You know how it is, life can be hard enough anyway without feeling like you don’t have the right to complain. So writing this blog post is how I’m going to rebel against my Superego.

On a more positive note, I remember part of my dream. Not much, but I remember I was holding a kitten. I think it was black, with a white tummy. And I held it close to me… it was soft and light- like a hamster. But it liked me, and that made me happy.

Half an hour

I have roughly half an hour before I go to class. I just wanted to say some things.

First of all: I watched more of that Korean Drama yesterday. That was truly the highlight of my week, along with going to a dance performance on Friday and then hanging out with friends. So cute, but clean for the most part as well. Why can’t American dramas be like this?

Second: I finally finished reading Little Women for my YA Lit class. Not a bad book, but a few of the romances don’t sit well with me. What was wrong with Jo and Laurie? Why did Laurie end up with Amy? And why does Jo have to end up for a guy who doesn’t show up very much in the book?

Third: I’m anticipating a busy week. Last weekend was less busy than one usually is, but I’m going to have a lot of work this time around.

Fourth: It was good to talk to my family yesterday. Lori is working on her story once again, which is wonderful. Mom and Dad have launched their website where some of Mom’s stories will be available in e-book form. That’s at aircastle.org. It’s so exciting. I’m so glad they are involved in a project like that. It makes me wonder, again, what sorts of things I could do with my art- especially when I get older and become better at it. One day perhaps I will get the knack for writing stories, or develop some other talent which will give me that sense of satisfaction.

Fifth: In the meanwhile, I’m going to work hard on my schoolwork. I really hope I don’t burn out. I need more sleep.

What would make today great

I’m not feeling very social today. I just want to hang out with my former roommate and watch Korean Dramas. Oh, and talk to my family. But it’s other people I don’t want to socialize with. What do you do when you get into moods like this?

I just want to curl up with my journal and not have to worry about other people. Journals are wonderful. I don’t have to question their motives or wonder what they’re thinking. I can tell them everything, and they won’t judge me and they’re not biased. And besides, writing to them helps me work things out in my mind. So in a way, it helps me get answers to my questions.

So what would make today great? Today would be great if I could finish reading Little Women in good time, if I could spend a lot of time in my journal, if I could have a good conversation with my family, and if I could hang out with my former roommate and watch Korean Dramas.

Forgive me for… venting, I guess. It’s not always fun to read when people just want to vent. But as I have no devoted readers, I think I will excuse myself this time around. But know that I hope something will happen that will make your day great.

Apologies

I have not been writing as much as I usually do. My apologies. Life has just been keeping me busy. Even the days when it seems I do not have much work tend to be busy.

Where shall I begin?

First of all, I have to complain about Little Women for a bit. Why didn’t Jo end up with Laurie? I don’t think they were so ill suited as the book seemed to think, and moreover it bothers me when a character spends the majority of the book with a guy, and then she ends up rejecting him. So irritating.

I miss my family. They are such… reliable company.

And yet at the same time, life seems so full when one is in collage. There is so much to do and experience. And I can revel in being productive. Although part of me worries that despite how well I’m doing in school, my grades might not be enough to get me the financial aid I require.

It has been fun watching a Korean Drama with my former roommate. It’s nice to… indulge oneself in an emotional release. It’s nice to let go like that, after you’ve spent the majority of the week being serious and studious.

I’m tired. I’ve been sacrificing a bit of sleep lately.

I hope one day I can get this whole ‘life’ thing figured out.

Ah, but on a positive note, Mom and Dad say they’ve got their website for their e-book publishing up! That’s wonderful for them. I hope that brings them success and fulfillment. Success and fulfillment is good after all. One day, perhaps, I will experience the same thing with my artwork or something.