Archive | May 2013

The perfect day

I was feeling a little down yesterday. Lonely. It’s such an annoying emotion, and you would have thought I’d be fairly used to it by now.

 

I distracted my mind by thinking of what would be ‘the perfect birthday’ for me. I used to do this a lot as a kid, I would think of what would be ‘the perfect Christmas.’ One doesn’t do it as much growing up. But then, when you’re a kid there is a part of your mind that still believes it is possible, like this day could really happen. Adults have lost that. In fact, as I was thinking up my perfect birthday, I wondered if it was… too self indulgent, if it was wrong for me to focus so much on myself and what would make me happy. I still wonder at it. But whether it was too self indulgent or otherwise, it did seem to alleviate some of the burden, at least for a while.

 

My perfect birthday would start with a big, homemade breakfast. Waffles perhaps, or chocolate chip pancakes. Or pancakes with eggs and bacon. And orange juice to go along with it. Then we would go to the library, and from thence to a park or nature walk. There we would explore and have a picnic lunch. When we get home, I would be able to read the comic books I got out of the library (or some other light, fun, quick read). Then in the late afternoon, we would go to the movie theatre and watch a movie. When we get home it would be homemade pizza and a birthday dessert, maybe white cake with whipped cream and strawberries. Or a chocolate cake with a kind of whipped frosting (not the kind that’s too sugary). And then for presents… it would be lovely to get a new Phoneix Wright game, some art supplies, and maybe a movie.

 

That’s what I came up with. And it did help, honestly. I mean, I can’t imagine why it would. You would think that dreaming about something you’re not likely to have would leave you feeling disappointed, but no. I was glad to indulge in the exercise. What I had in mind wasn’t too far-fetched anyway, was it? I just took some of my favorite occurrences throughout the year (going to the movies, nature walk, library) and combined them all into one day.

 

I have to say though, in the end what helped me the most was calling an old friend, my D&D friend. It’s so wonderful to talk to someone many hundreds of miles away, and hear his voice like he was visiting me again. And then taking a nap was also good (I could feel myself struggling to keep the sleep at bay).

All is well again. Except now I have a lot of schoolwork I need to attend to.

Excursion

Yesterday I took a brief excursion to the gardens with my sister. I just wasn’t feeling like doing homework. I mean, I know I could have pushed myself to do it, but I felt I had emotional needs that had to be taken care of before I can function at my optimum in my schoolwork. Nothing to worry about, I was just thinking of home. Also I was thinking about how much I feel I can relate to a recent post by one of my Facebook friends, stating something like, “Everyone and their dog is in a relationship, and I’m just trying to stay afloat in my classes.” So… yeah, nothing big, I just needed to get some of it out of my system.

My sister went with me, which was nice. I think it’s going to be really important that we get some bonding time, especially since at the end of the semester, it’s going to be a lot of time with just me and her and my grandparents, and I haven’t spent enough time with my grandparents to really know how to… interact with them. It was good that we could both clear our heads a little bit, and talk about things we’re looking forward to, like having homemade alfredo pizza when we get back to Ohio, our older brother coming home this October, and then of course there’s the Phoenix Wright game.

Not that all of my needs are taken care of. I still feel in… want of something. But I figure that’s human nature, and we can’t always be at our optimum so we may as well just tighten our belts and go about it anyway, keeping in mind the small little good things. For instance, right now I’m trying to console myself with the fact that I will have lasagna for dinner tonight and that tomorrow I don’t have to wake up for a 6:30 a.m class. Yes, I will find solace in food and sleep. It’s funny how collage life seems to magnify the human tendency to find solace and comfort in securing one’s basic needs.

Some guys are just sweet

I love it when guys are nice. Especially if they’re being nice to girls they aren’t in a relationship with or intend on being in a relationship with. Guys should, of course, be nice to their girlfriends, but better when the guy is just good to people in general. For example, there are a couple of guys from my church who came by the other day with brownies for my roommates and I. Yesterday they had fresh flowers leftover from something that they gave to my roommates and I, on their way to delivering a watermelon to somebody else.

Sometimes you just want to say, “Wait, guys like you still exist? I thought you were all extinct.”

One can’t help but wonder what it is that drives them to… do things like that. How is it they get to bless the lives of others, what’s pushing them forward?

I like to think that there are many such people who exist in the world, but they go largely unnoticed. They’re not trying to draw attention to themselves, after all, they are genuine souls. Maybe people wouldn’t despair so much about the world if they knew these good souls still exist, and they haven’t all gone extinct.

I hope I will be remembered for being serviceable in one way or another, even if it is only to make people laugh.

Home and comfort

I’ll spare you my bitter, inner monologues about my experiences with dating drama that have been going through my head recently. It’s not worth your time.

But I will say that I think it’s part of the reason why I’m missing home at the moment. At home the only guys who matter are my two brothers and my Dad. I keep thinking of the old familiars, the little things we do as a family that are familiar, which I enjoy and miss. I’d love to have a movie night with my family, as much as I enjoy having movie nights here.

It’s just been… nice, the few little things that have happened recently to remind me of home. My sister really got me excited when she found out more about the next Phoenix Wright game. Think, I can play Phoenix Wright again! And today I watched Studio C. It was a good episode, funny. It was so wonderful to have that, and to perk me up when I just wanted to nap today.

I intend to really hold on to these little things. After all, when you’re dealing with minor emotional turmoil, it’s the little stuff that can get you down as well. But I am hopeful that it’s the little things that can help keep you going again.

Risk and reward- art

When one has been doing art for a long time, it becomes increasingly obvious that if you want to ‘do something’ with your art, you are going to have to take some risks, make some investments, be willing to make mistakes and experiment with it. That comes in the production of the artwork and in the method of… sharing and spreading that artwork.

Some of you will know that I’ve been making calendars with my artwork using an online store called Zazzle. I have been toying with the idea of doing other products, ones that don’t become nearly obsolete after two months. But that means I’m going to have to invest a bit of money in buying the product for myself and seeing how it turned out, and then make necessary adjustments or else abandon the project. The thing is that I really hate spending money. I really, really don’t like spending money. I didn’t even buy my own calendar for this year because it seemed frivolous. The only reason I got myself to do it today was because there was a memorial day sale, and the particular kind of product I was interested in experimenting with was on sale, 50% off. So I figured… I’d like to experiment in this eventually, so I may as well do it now while I have this opportunity.

I have to do something. I have to try something, or my art is going to do nothing but sit in my clipboard. Not that I’m expecting anything brilliant to come out of this, but this is a small step and it’s better than nothing.

 

When I think about it, I’ve already invested a lot in my artwork. I’ve spent so many hours to get where I am now. I intend to spend a lot more so that I can get even better. I can’t stand the thought of all those hours going to waste. Financial investment is just something that I hesitate more to do. But maybe if I just keep… trying new things, I will eventually get  a sense of a direction I want to take. After all, I still don’t know what I want the ultimate result to be, to what end I am spending all this time on my art. Surely it will all count for something?

I’ll find out how it turns out in perhaps a week or so. As for what I’ll do then…. who knows?

Absurdist plays- search for meaning

My roommate went on a date to see the campus performance of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. It’s an absurdist play. I’ve only seen one absurdist play; Waiting for Godot. It was, I have to say, an interesting experience. It’s certainly not something you would go for to be entertained, but it does make you think. I might have joined my roommate in watching, but I didn’t because a) I knew she was going with this guy, and I wanted them to have alone time, and b) the tickets were sold out when she reminded me. But I did ask her to bring back a program, as they generally have more insight than I could gain on my own. The program explains: “The absurd refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek for meaning in life and the human inability to find meaning.” It was nice to have a clear, concise statement like that. And it certainly made sense in the context of my limited experience with absurdist plays.

Do you know what the really fascinating thing is? The really fascinating thing is that today I’m giving a Sunday School Lesson on the Plan of Salvation, which is all about helping us understand the big picture idea. Therein we find meaning and purpose. Were it not for divine revelation, humans really would have a hard time with the juxtaposition presented in that program.

How do you make them understand? How do you get them to realize that they don’t have to live life as if they were a player in an absurdist play? Oh it makes me think of when I watched Waiting for Godot. One of the actors looked so… forlorn at one moment, that I just wanted to get onto the stage and hug him (realize that this is an unusual thing for me to want to do to a complete stranger). And to think there are people out there feeling that way… Oh I wish they could know.

And what does that mean I’m supposed to do? Plays seem to me to have a call to action. After presenting a problem and a conflict, they turn around and ask you, “So what are you going to do about it?” I feel like I’ve been given that challenge, and I haven’t even watched the play, I just read the program. And the truth is, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. I mean, I’m going to write this post and pray that it reaches somebody who needs to hear it. But otherwise I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know who to reach out to. Yet surely there is something I’m supposed to do? Some way I could help?

Movies I think somebody should make

For the longest time I have said that the Prydain Chronicles should be made into at least one movie. I mean, we’ve done Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, and now The Hobbit. I would consider these to be in roughly the same category as the Prydain Chonicles, a high fantasy adventure story. And with today’s technology, we can get the graphics right, can you imagine the gwythaints! I just think it would be lovely, and a great movie with all of the right ingredients; fantasy, adventure, romance, and comedy. The characters are charming and unforgettable. It could be a really big hit.

I’ve also had the idea that there should be another Fantasia movie. Again with the progress we’ve made with animation, there could be some pretty spectacular graphics in a fantasia 2015 for instance. And there is so much more classical music to be explored. I have to say that I am immensely fond of Fantasia. Do you know, that the last score in Fantasia 2000– the one with the Firebird– has influenced a lot of my artwork? And it is a good way to become more exposed to classical music, and perhaps to learn something from it.

And then there’s Jane Austin’s Persuasion. I have watched three different versions, that’s all the library had to offer. Only one was satisfactory, but even that one wasn’t brilliant. It would be great if somebody did a really good job of that.

Today I was just pondering about Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing, possibly the best chick flick he’s ever written. Expand on that, fill in some places, trim out some others, adapt it to a modern setting, keep it at a PG rating preferably, make sure it has a lot of witty banter, and it might just make a really cute movie. Perhaps one has already been made. Still, I really enjoy Much Ado About Nothing and I would love to see a good remake of it.

But mostly, I just want the Prydain Chronicles to become a movie or two. I can’t imagine why it hasn’t been done yet.

The things I could do

There are just some days when you feel like you can go out and take on the world. I imagine this seems to contrast rather a bit with yesterday’s post, but yesterday I had an encounter that kinda lifted the spirits. It was one of those simple things. I came back from doing yoga with my roommate, and I saw the friend whom I will call ‘The Guy Who Cleans My Oven’ And we were going up to hug eachother, but had a bit too much energy that night, and I ended up getting clothes-lined. Also my knee got bruised so I had to sit on the ground for a bit before I felt like walking. So it was a bit painful, but it was also really funny. I smile to remember the experience. So now I just feel awesome for little reason.

And to think, it’s a three-day weekend! There are extra-credit assignments I could do, there are things I could create, campus events I could attend, so much that could be done, and I’m excited. It’s so wonderful to have these things brewing in one’s head. Just yesterday I was thinking about how I would like to do some polymer clay works with marbles– like create a wizard’s staff or a crystal ball. Today I was working on Zazzle a bit, and I might experiment with some of their other product options. It feels so good to create!

Life is lovely again people.

Thinking about home

One has a tendency to think about home from time to time as a collage student. As much as I love school, I’m usually ready to go home by the end of Spring Semester. But it will be different this year, because I’m actually going to have something of a road trip vacation before I get to be home. That means I won’t have much time with my siblings before they start going back to school. It also means my birthday is going to come up really quick once I’m home.

Ah home.

My brother comes back from serving a mission for our church in October. Then we’ll all be a family again, for a little while, and then we all go our separate ways again. It seems so strange to think that  I’ve been through with my family accumulates to this… us making our own way in life.

Well, eventually. I mean, right now I’m still in that liminal space. I am looking forward to the day I’ll have a family of my own. I feel like I’ve progressed enough that I can handle that soon enough. And I know that I will feel, to a certain degree, incomplete until I have that. But the time is not yet. I don’t even have a tendre. So really it seems like I’m in the same place I’ve always been, this state of being single and without someone I’m interested in. Square 1, as I’ve been lovingly referring to it.

But that doesn’t matter. The point is that I still feel some ties to home, and right now I don’t mind them, I don’t feel bound by them. I like the thought that I’ll be home in the summer where I can work on artwork and creative writing, practice driving, watch movies with my mom and siblings (I am definitely watching The Hobbit with my brother when he gets back), and move on from there. Maybe I can even get a sense of what I want to do in the future as well as be a homemaker. Perhaps my artwork and other talents will find a place in this world.

In which I rant about Facebook. Again.

I hope that when the time of Facebook ends, and I have no doubt that it will, it will be replaced with something better that actually fulfills human needs. The great lie of Facebook is that it gives you what you need as far as social interaction. I would assert that Facebook doesn’t even supplement social interaction really well. Facebook is useful in it’s own way, but the role it plays is very narrow.

That being said, maybe I’m just being spiteful when I speak of Facebook being inadequate. Maybe I’m just upset at it because I find it to be neglectful. Yes, it is very likely I make comments like this simply because I think that when I do say something really thoughtful and insightful, I get overlooked. Whereas people who merely repost memes or give out emotional monologues get all the attention. It would be unfair of me, then, to attack Facebook so. I should also probably discipline my mind not to put blame on the people who use Facebook.

The fact is that I feel one of our basic human needs is to feel like our thoughts and ideas are valuable. That’s part of the reason why we need other people. Social networking may or may not help us share our idea and get worthwhile, valuable, and much needed response. For me, Facebook doesn’t do the job, so I have to actually go out and interact with people. Given my background in social awkwardness, reclusiveness, and introversion, this task is a bit difficult.

Of course, blogging is always an option. I continue to blog, hoping that someone will take in my ideas and share their own, without trying to drag anybody into reading. I don’t want this to be a cry for attention, even though I really do in my heart of hearts crave attention. I’m only human after all.

And now, having issued a complaint against Facebook and kind of against people in general (for which I beg your forgiveness, I honestly don’t mean personal offense) I will say that I am grateful for what Facebook and the people using it have done for me, and that I am able to use it as a method of sharing my artwork.