Archive | July 2013

Camping Update

So we’ve moved into the phase of the vacation that actually involves camping. Just like I feared, I don’t take too well to it. I had a rotten time trying to sleep last night, and a rotten time trying to stay awake today. It was too cold last night. And in the car ride today, it was too warm not to sleep. This is going to be a long week, with not much by the way of internet or electricity. I’m really not the camping type.

But at least we’re eating well.

Yesterday I found that I was still struggling with some… emotional conflicts from this past year of school. I loved my time at school this year, but I’ve also had a lot of problems with it, and I still feel like there are loose ends and unresolved challenges. Today I’m too tired to worry about my worries.

I’m so tired of being tired. It seems like I’ve been tired all this past year. Now I’m on vacation and still not getting the right sleep.

Nevertheless, I’ve seen some pretty sights. I’ve been able to get internet long enough to read my brother’s e-mail. So I guess I’ll just stick it through.

So… it’s been a while

Hi, I’m back.

What should I talk about? I’m pretty sure there was something I was going to say. Probably about a comment I got yesterday from my great-aunt. She said she was impressed with how close my sister and I were, like we were best friends, and you can’t say that of a lot of sisters.

It was good to hear. I’ve felt that I have a good relationship with all of my family members. I wish I could share with you guys how that came to happen, but it’s not so easy as all of that. With this sister… I don’t know. We watch things together, we play a few of the same games, we talk, we joke around. We’ve actually accumulated a few inside jokes. These days, for instance, we greet each other by saying “Duel Destinies.” This is a reference to our anticipation for the upcoming Phoenix Wright Game, fifth in the canon, called Duel Destinies. Whenever we weren’t sure what to say to each other, we’d bring that up. It was something we knew we could both talk about. And besides, it was nice to think about Duel Destinies when we were really stressed out (which became a bit frequent). It meant we could think about something we were sure to enjoy, something we’d probably be able to have in the not-too-distant future.

When people hear that I room with my sister, we get comments like “My sister and I would kill each other if we were in the same room.” I think it kind of sad. But what can you do about it, you know? I think the only way I can retaliate is to continue being really good friends with all of my family members. I don’t really understand all of them, but I don’t think that should prevent us from being able to have a good time together. It would be too inconvenient to put barriers between yourself and somebody you are so closely connected to.

So… have a laugh or two with your family. Then build a reservoir of those laughs. Have fun with it.

Duel Destinies.

Vacation… starts now

So for all of you who have been keeping up with me (I don’t think that would be anybody, but that’s okay), don’t expect many updates for a while. I’m going on a road-trip-family-vacation-thing. I don’t know when I will have internet.

I don’t typically do vacation things. I’m not the sort of person who goes for camping or traveling. I like going places for a day or so, like a nice Saturday trip to a museum or nature park or something, but this is different. This is living out of a suitcase for over a week. I’m looking forward to some of the things we’re going to do though, and I would kick myself if I missed an opportunity like this.

I’ll be back home some time in august. I will no doubt be exhausted, and want nothing more than to just sit there, and revel in the fact that I’m home– really home– and don’t have any homework. I might just be like that for a few days, and then I’ll buckle down and do some artwork. I promise to do artwork.

To dream

It’s interesting to me what a comfort it is to… dream about the future, when things aren’t quite so wonderful at present. Like me. I’m essentially done with the semester, it’s been a long semester, and yet I don’t feel triumphant or at peace. I’m going on a family vacation when school’s over, but I am discontent because I think this family vacation is going to keep me from spending as much time with my family as I otherwise would. I’m still trying to reconcile myself with it, because I don’t want to have a negative attitude toward this opportunity that I don’t get very often.

So when I don’t know what to do… I dream. It’s like what I was a kid, and I’d dream about Christmas. Not what Christmas was likely to be like, but what I would like it to be like. It’s the same now, when I think about the Fall, when I won’t be in school. Some things are certain to happen, like my brother coming home. But for the rest of it… I can speculate. I can spend a lot of time with my family, and we’ll have movie nights and play games together and go to the indian mound and stuff like that. I create some beautiful artwork. It would be really lovely to get Duel Destinies, the fifth Phoenix Wright game, once it’s come out in english. Also, I think it would be great if Mom got a book published. And that my sisters can finish their creative writing projects.

It’s just nice to think that these things can happen. It soothes the mind to contemplate them.

Now that it’s about over… I still feel it

I know I’ve been going on about school a lot lately, but it’s hard to help. I had to have a really focused mindset in order to get everything done and done well. My fear, now that’ it’s essentially over, is that it wasn’t enough for one of my classes. I still don’t know half of my grade for Brit lit, because that’s based on my final assignment and test. I’m boarder-lining, and I’m scared to think that all of my hard work throughout the semester…

Oh wait, maybe I should clarify that I’m bordering an A, not bordering a pass or fail grade.

Sometimes I think I need to let go of this ‘straight A’ mindset. But it’s important to me, in large part because that’s how I get scholarships. But I also really care about doing well.

I finished my test, I just need to review my final assignment, so there’s not much left. The semester is almost over for me. I should feel… relieved, but instead I just feel tired like I always am, and a little more stressed than usual, because I don’t think I did very well on that test.

I give so much of myself to school. Sometimes I wonder if it’s wrong to invest myself so much in it.  That’s a dynamic I’ve wondered about since high school. But the thing is, high school never cost this much. There were also fewer alternative things to be doing with my time.

I don’t know. I just wish I had someone to tell me that it doesn’t matter, and I don’t have to worry any more. It’s almost my vacation, I can stop thinking about how much sleep I’ve lost and how much time and energy I’ve sacrificed. *Sigh* I love adult life. I wish I had more energy for it.

This is the end

I think I can do this. I may even be able to get everything done before I thought I was going to, which would be lovely. It is, however, going to have that I have to keep working. It’ll be fairly intense, since I’m going to be handling a lot of my ultimate grade for Brit Lit within the next few days. But once it’s done… it’s done. It’s actually done. Well, I’ll also have one last religion assignment– but I’ll be essentially done. Then I’ll just have to pack and stuff. Basically, I’m hoping to have my Brit Lit class work done before Sunday, and then turned in on Monday- by which time I will also have completed my final religion assignment.

Then I go on a family road trip/ vacation thing.

I hope that goes well, because family-road-trip/vacation isn’t my idea of taking a break, and I really want a break. Nevertheless, it’s nice to have that opportunity.

Now, why should you be interested: well, because when I get home (which won’t be for a while) I’ll get to work on artwork. And then I’ll post it and you can enjoy it. I might want a DiviantArt account or something. Again, my hope is to expand myself a little bit. Also, I was hoping to work more efficiently, by cutting down time that would otherwise be used brainstorming and seeking inspiration. The idea is that I’ve been gaining visual inspiration as I’ve collected different desktop wallpapers, out of cool images or screenshots. That, I hope, will help me get ideas churning quicker, instead of needing to hunt down new images every time I start a new project.

This is going to be an adventure. Who knows? Maybe I can actually create something really good.

My tragic flaw

In a lot of tragedies, the main character– one who usually possesses a lot amiable qualities and has done some good accomplishments, is ultimately destroyed by a certain character flaw. Hence the tragedy, and hence the idea of a “tragic hero.” If ever I had a flaw, I think it would be pride.

 

I lately had an experience where I realized I wasn’t as humble as I had thought. To illustrate, I’ve been really tired and stressed out lately. This isn’t unusual– after all, it’s finals week. But I’ve been tired all semester, and I’m really beginning to wear out. My roommates can tell. They see it in my face, voice, walk… it’s just really obvious. One knew that I liked chocolate milk as a treat, I was told to make myself a cup of chocolate milk with her chocolate mix. I hesitated, because making myself that chocolate milk would be admitting that I was in great need of comfort at that time, and I didn’t want to seem like I was in need. Normally, I would accept the invitation readily and happily. I suppose that would be because I knew I didn’t need that comfort, so I wouldn’t be any worse off if it hadn’t been offered to me.

 

I don’t know how well that explanation worked for you, but it helped me work my way through a strange paradox– I am less likely to want to accept help at times when I need help more. It seems like such backwards thinking, and yet it makes sense. It’s wrong, of course, and it has consequences, just like all other flaws.

 

Certainly it will be something for me to think about and ponder.

 

Forget not to be patient with yourself

So… yesterday I watched T.V when I could have been preparing a lesson or doing homework. I’ve been trying not to feel guilty about that. I feel like it should be alright for me to take a break. Especially since I wouldn’t have felt guilty at all if it were a movie night with my roommates and I, as we have had many-a Saturday night. Besides, I actually did a bit of creative writing while I watched Monk. It was actually… probably one of the first stories I had ever come up with, but I had never put down on my computer. I finished that up today. And felt a little guilty because I could have been spending more time on that lesson.

I need to do something about this guilt complex.

During a General Relief Society Broadcast, the women were counseled to “forget not to be patient with yourself.” That’s one of those things that ought to be easy, but isn’t for me. I’ve got to talk myself into being patient with myself.

I will say that I am glad I was able to do some writing. I had intended to do it for a while, but kept shoving it aside so that I could do homework. It feels good to have done it, and to have it complete. I mean, it’s just a short little story, but it’s so rare for me to have written something and to have it complete.

I have only one more full week left of the semester. Let’s just hope that I can make it. I am so, so tired.

About this semester

Only a little over a week left of the semester. I like to review my semesters at about this point, and sort of… take stock.

First of all, this semester has got to have been my most sleep deprived. I’ve been tired and I’ve been busy. I worked hard, and I think I’m going to get good grades. So I suppose that satisfactory. But it also means I’m really ready to go home.

Once I’m home, or even while I’m on this road trip thing, I think I’ll be able to see a lot of good things about the semester that I can’t see now. For instance, I’ll be keeping some of my books from my Children’s Lit class- meaning I’ll have an additional two novels (three, including the kindle one which I don’t care that much about) and two to four picture books to add to my library. It’s finally been dawning on me that I need to build up a library, and that’s going to take work and time. As wonderful as the public library is, it really makes a difference having books in the home. Also, I intend to relish in the fact that I had a friend ask me if I would allow her to get some prints of my work. I hope that I’ve been accumulating some inspiration for new and beautiful artwork, so that I can keep having experiences like that. Furthermore, I really have had some good friends and good memories. I’ll appreciate them more when I am not so tired, and when I can share the fun stories with my siblings.

I’ve worked so hard this semester. And I intend to work hard when the semester is over, on my artwork. Let it be known I don’t intend to be lazy, but I want to produce some good work. I doubt I’ll ever make money. And if I do, it won’t be much. I imagine it’ll be like collecting tips, except that mine will be few and far between. Nevertheless, I would like to do things with my artwork, and I won’t be able to do that if I don’t work on it. As stated in a previous post, I hope to stretch a little bit- not only in working with different mediums, but applying them differently- like illustration.

I am really excited for the end of the semester. Not only will it give me a break from school, but it could be the beginning of a brand new adventure. Who knows.

Wanting this semester to be Donne

That was a pun in the title by the way. Don’t worry, all will be explained.

 

Well, Spring Semester of 2013… it’s been fun. But I think it’s time we split.

I have only about a week and a half left before the end of the semester. At about this time, I like to review how my semester has gone. It’s been difficult to answer this time. I’ve got nothing to complain about, specifically, but it has seemed like a really long and laborious semester. I’m really tired, you know?

 

In class we were talking about John Donne’s Holy Sonnet 14, where Donne illustrates his desire for God to make him into a new man, and yet he knows it will hurt. I think I can really relate to that feeling. At the beginning of the semester, I felt ready for challenges, so that I could become a stronger person. But I had the hardest time asking for it, because I knew it would hurt. Now here I am at the end of the semester. I feel like it was a challenge. Not a big or unusual sort of challenge, it’s just been a hard semester is all. And it does hurt, but it seems like such a small thing to hurt over, do you know what I mean? I would have liked to think I could handle at least this much with a little more grace.

 

As for how much I’ve been bettered by this experience… I couldn’t say. I don’t know if it will yield any specific results, other than giving me more experience in handling stress so that I can be better at it.

But there were some good experiences in it. I gave away some artwork, I had some teaching experiences, and a couple of fun movie nights. It’s all good I suppose.