Archive | August 2013

One of my other projects

You may have been able to tell I like journaling. I guess that started when I was twelve, and I wanted to try scrapbooking. As it turns out, I’m not really into making boarders and arranging photos. What I learned, however, was that I really liked talking about myself and documenting stories and writing about my thoughts. So I started journaling/blogging.

The thing is, I have several different journals. I have this blog, I have a document on my computer where I write thoughts too private for a blog, I have a hard copy notebook which I take to church (since a bringing a laptop wouldn’t be quite appropriate), and of course there is all of my previous journals (again, I’ve been doing this since I was about twelve).

There are a lot of gems in these journals, but they’re spread through a number of different sources, and you have to dig to find them. So I decided to create a sort of computerized scrapbook, so I can compile the best stories and whatnot. This is the sort of thing I’d actually be willing to leave to my posterity. It is, in fact, the only record I have specifically targeting my posterity.

It’s… a lot of work. How do you know when it’s done? How do you know what’s good to put in, and what should be left out?

This is something I struggle with; engaging in projects in which the benefits are all long-term, and so far into the future it’s hard to tell what adjustments or additions need to be made to it now. I don’t even know if it will be a benefit to my kids at all. I can only hope it does, and that’s something I have a really, really hard time with. Still, I keep hoping that it’s worth a try. After all, I receive a lot of benefit looking over all of my past records so… it seems reasonable to assume that it’s all worth the effort.

I just hope and try.

More on Bleeding Heart

I’ve cropped it down to the important part.



I’ve gotten a few comments on Facebook, “interesting!” and “I like that her hand comes away red.” That’s good, that means that they’re noticing the important part, and maybe it’s gotten them to think. That was the point of the image anyway. At least that got through, even though I didn’t get to create it with the level of skill I’d want it to have.

I think it would be great if the viewers were saying to themselves, “So what does this mean?” But I can’t give an answer to that. Sometimes when I create a work of art, I don’t even know what it means for myself, let alone what it would mean for others. As my art teacher liked to say, “everybody brings their own baggage.” As for myself, this image was created out of a sense of… bitterness regarding the school year. It was a rough year, and I feel like there were a lot of loose ends that I didn’t get to tie up. It might be a while before I get closure on these things. When I thought of that pain, I connected that with the Bleeding Heart flower. As I said, I had that as one of my desktops, because a friend of mine said he liked them, so I looked them up and found them to be quite striking. That’s when the idea formulated.

When I got back, I looked up the significance of “Bleeding Heart.” In a dictionary sense, it’s somebody who is excessively sympathetic. That wasn’t the meaning I was looking for. The flower Bleeding Heart means something more on the lines of “true love.” There’s a little folk tale that goes along with it, about a guy who loved a princess and gave her gifts, but she rejected them and him, so he stabbed himself in the heart. Each gift was linked to a feature of the flower. But that didn’t quite fit the emotion behind the image for me either.

I just figure that the heart is the center of all emotion (not really, but that’s one of those generally excepted falsehoods). The blood shows the pain, the heart is in pain. And the Featured Female is effected by it. Bloodstained, if you will. However, I tried to portray it in a way that wasn’t really… dark, or full of angst. After all, life goes on. You don’t understand it yet, but it’s no big deal, it’s just one of those things you deal with until you find a stream and wash off the blood. It’s not unusual, or out of the ordinary. It’s just part of the human experience.

It would be really interesting to look into other people’s minds and figure out what they think of this.


New Image: Bleeding Heart

Well, here it is. I hope you like it (because I have some problems with it).


no images were found


The scaling is the biggest problem. The foreground should be bigger, more imposing. There’s too much space for the background. The green would look better if it were more blue.


Ah well. It’s a start I suppose. I just want to bang my head now is all.

So much for not getting too concerned over the result.

If I start a new image tomorrow, and get it done really quick, I could have two images out in two weeks. That would be something I suppose. After all, I don’t have as much time this year to do art. A whole month of my vacation was taken out by that family vacation. Hopefully at some point during the next four months, a can accumulate a substantial amount of worthwhile images.

In which I discuss the background

I think I mentioned my background yesterday, and I’m going to go into a little more detail today. The background is incredibly simple, perfect for image to ease me back into the art world after a long break for the sake of schoolwork and family vacation. As I started the background I found what it really looks like is the background of a photo, the kind that’s hyper focussed on the foreground, and the background just becomes a colored blur, and there isn’t really any depth. That’s part of what it makes it so simple. I think it’s also a bit fitting for the image in question, remember that it’s focussing on a flower. WHat I regret is that I couldn’t see the end from the beginning, so that I could shape the colored blurs in a way that was more appropriate. As it is, you can tell I didn’t really have a plan when I started the background. Which is sad, but again, I’m not going to beat myself up about it too much, since I’m getting back into the swing of the thing.


Right now I’m watching the video blogs for The Hobbit. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I’m sorry, I just get so excited, I love this movie and I love watching special features. It’s so beautiful. I’m so blessed to have been born in an era when I can appreciate wonderful films like this. Oh geek moment. I really hope that one day I can, in my small corner of life, create beautiful things too.

My space

I remember how excited I was when I was twelve years old and got to have a room to myself. One of the great pleasures of coming back home is that I get a room to myself again. At school I room with my sister, and as for those five weeks of vacationing… you don’t tend to get a lot of time to yourself during family vacationing. Being of an introverted nature, that got to be stressful at times.

When I’m home from school, I spend a lot of time in my room, mostly working on my artwork. That’s me in my element. With my laptop and art supplies… that’s all I really need to get lost in my own world. In a way it’s frightening. It’s strange how I increasingly become… distant from the world, I suppose.

Last night I was ranting to myself about how it seems like I just watch while life happens to everyone else. This was an exaggeration on my part I suppose, I was just wallowing, a recall to the envy I felt during this last year while I watched my roommate and her suitor interacted. And then there was that minor identity crisis I went though, trying to find my place in this world and wondering what my role is.

When the world confuses me, sometimes it’s nice to retreat into my own space so I can do stuff I know how to do, like artwork. I’ve made progress on my latest image, which will be tentatively titled “Bleeding Heart.” I actually like it better now, but now that I’m farther along in the image I know for sure there are things that I could have done better, and that I could do better in the future if I was working on a similar image. I’m thinking that it will be done tomorrow or the day after. Maybe another day, but I doubt I’ll need that many, it really is a simple image. But… it’s substantial enough to satisfy the time it’ll take to finish.

How do I go about this?

I’m doing art again. It seems…. it’s been a long time. I remember that surreal feeling when you look at a finished image and go, “…. Did I make that?” There was nothing there before, and now there’s something beautiful, and I’m responsible for getting it there.

The beginning is fun to, coming up with the idea, getting the story behind the image, doing some initial doodles, that sort of thing.

So the beginning and the end are the really great, memorable parts about creating my artwork. The middle is kind of a blur. And now I’m in the middle kind of part of a new artwork, and it feels kind of strange. I’m not used to this part anymore, and I have to get back into it.

I’m back

I’m home. Oh it’s so wonderful to be home. I really needed this.

I’ve started a new image. I don’t think it’s going to be the most brilliant, but I don’t have time to entertain doubts. And anyway, I’m not too concerned about it not being up to par, since this is my first image after taking a long break from art in order to make sure I got all of my school work done. This is just going to be how I’m going to ease back into the swing of things I suppose. Hopefully, my work will improve as I keep going.

I got the idea for this image while I was on vacation. I was reviewing in my mind some of the emotional difficulties I had in school. Envy, bitterness, uncertainty, all that sort of thing. Painful stuff. Then I thought about one of my friends, who told me that he really liked the flower, Bleeding Hearts. I remember that after he told me, I ran a google search, then used one of the images for desktop wallpaper. Bleeding hearts are really pretty, and of course their name has very emotional tie-ins. Pain. So… I decided to make an image based on that flower.

It’s a simple image, really. Again, I’m not going to be able to make it as wonderful as I would like. But at least I will remember how I came up with the idea. The story behind an image is really important. I’ve always believed that. That’s some comfort. Even if I have not the skill to create an image with the same impact as… as the idea had in my mind, at least I still have that idea in there. I don’t know what other people will think when they see it, but the goal is to make them think, and I think I can do that much at least.

Let’s hope anyway.

Sherlock + stuff

Just what I needed. A new obsession. I get such a strong emotional reaction to things sometimes, most recently, BBC’s Sherlock starring Benedict what’s-his name. Oh I love it. Kind of a lot. Getting that emotional response is most of the fun, but there’s always a spark of rationality within me that’s disgusted with the way I’m reacting. Still…. I love stories. I love characters. I love witty/snarky dialogue. And so I get excited about a number of movies/shows/books/games, and I can’t really give reason for it. It’s just that strange, indescribable thrill that I never can identify. To think that people can create things like this that make me feel like that… it’s makes me want to create too.

Sometimes I find it frustrating being so… finite. I want to create so badly, but I have a limited capacity to do so. I lack skill. Nevertheless, it does the soul good to do what it can. I’ll be in a better position to pursue my own projects when I get home in less than a week.

Recently I’ve experienced for myself how others can benefit from another person with creative inclinations. A friend of mine did some artwork for me for my birthday, a depiction of me as a My Little Pony. It was so sweet to think that somebody put effort into creating something for me. If we could only allow things like that to have a ripple effect on the world… I get excited about the idea of impacting the world. They keep telling us that we do make a difference, so why not believe it and get excited about it?

Oh it will be such a long time before I have… the level of influence and control that I want. But what else can I do but hope that I’ll get there one day?

Phantom Tollbooth meets Azure’s attempt at creative writing

So there I was, all set to write a short story about a crazy magical toymaker named Dross L Mire. I’m not good at creating stories. I get ideas, but they never seem to go anywhere. My sister tells me just to start, and then let it go where it took me. So I started… and then it went all Phantom Tollbooth on me. I got a story, of sorts. It’s about a page long, and… it’s just interesting. I kinda want to share it. I just have to figure out how without imposing on somebody. Or, rather, how to impose one somebody in a way that won’t make me feel guilty.


When I first started this blog, I was content to write anything I cared to let the public know. After the time I got a comment from a homeschooling mom asking me to share some of my ideas for a lesson plan for The Book of Three, I thought my blog could be directed to be more helpful and informative. As a result, I’ve gotten more selective of what I post. But I find that rather defeats the purpose. I journal/blog as a form of therapy or catharsis. As much as I would love it if my blog was somehow helpful to others, it’s really supposed to be fore me.

The fact is that I’m tired of adventures, and I still have two more weeks before I’m in my familiar surroundings.

This school year for instance… has been rather stressful, in multiple ways. I loved being at school, don’t get me wrong, but I did have rather a lot of schoolwork, and there were other stresses, painful emotions. I won’t go into details, so suffice it to say there were some bitter tears shed. As soon as school got out, I was whisked away on a family vacation. Again, don’t get me wrong, I’ve liked that too. It’s just… hard to appreciate it when one is still suffering from the emotional repercussions of a stressful school year. When dealing with that kind of turmoil, the thing a person wants most is stability. I find my home environment to be incredibly stable (for which blessing I thank God). So the timing for this vacation was… less than ideal for me.

I can do adventures. Really. I can handle a certain amount of time without internet, sleeping in sleeping bags, and having simple, picnic lunches for days at a time. But as I said, the timing was bad, and I just want to go home.

And then there’s an issue I’ve had for a long time; I don’t have a confidant. I want some uninvolved third party sort of deal to share some of the details of my ’emotional turmoil’ with, just to get it out and feel validated. But, being a reclusive and introverted sort of person, I find it difficult to find somebody who is close but not too close. I might be willing to share with a family member (I don’t usually, as I prefer to share my more painful feelings with people who aren’t so close to me), but of course I haven’t had an opportunity, because you don’t get a lot of private time when you are on a family vacation.

So I can only be alone with my thoughts here. As usual. This, you recall, is not the first time I have yearned for a confidant.

Thank you for bothering to read this. It’s very indulgent of you to listen to me rant. Think of me fondly.