Archive | November 2013

Small minded

Sometimes I think I live in a world of small minded people. Usually I don’t let it bother me too much, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and sometimes that leads to irritation. But it’s not the small mindedness of others that I’m thinking of. It’s mine.


Oh I used to dream. Sugar plum dreams so strong they were enough to give you toothache. I’d picture the magazine cover home, decked out in all its holiday glory, inside there would be a golden glow around the piles of presents and the piles of food, and Christmas music in the background. I used to dream of it. Not that I would wish for it, just that it would give me something to think about at night when I couldn’t sleep because I was so excited.


It was a wonderful thing to have in childhood. It’s good for children. But then you grow older and your mind shifts, and that’s fine too.


Our car’s gotten worse. It doesn’t work at all now. Our Christmas this year will be even more simplistic than usual, partially out of the greater need for practicality and partially because there aren’t a lot of material things that we want. And people, if they knew, might pity us. But they don’t understand. There are things that I want. Of course there are things that I want. Things so deeply that they can’t even imagine, because they’re still off in the shallows chasing after the holiday sales and technology toys that’ll be outdated in a few  years.


I don’t indulge in the sugar plum dreams so much these days. Not that I have a problem with cherishing fantasies, but I’m a genuine soul, so I don’t engage in daydreams that don’t reflect what I really want.  I don’t want bells and whistles and Christmas cards from relatives whose only communication with us is via Christmas card. I wouldn’t mind going to a Christmas party (I like food), but I’m at all cut up about the fact that it might not happen due to transportation. The gift situation is similar.


What I really want is for my friends to think of me fondly, and let me know they think of me fondly. I get so desperate for attention sometimes. I want to be appreciated in a very real sense, not the Facebook “Like” kind of approach. I’d also like to be able to create something, a story or a piece of artwork or similar, to develop my talents and be able to do truly remarkable things with them. But I’m not sure that’s something my fellow mortals can help out a lot with. I’d be content with a show of friendship, however that may manifest itself. There’s more than one love language after all.


“There are greater things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dream’t of in your philosophy.”

New perspectives on audio project

Well, I’ve been working on this audiobook retelling of The Princess Bride for a while now. I’ve been thinking of calling it a story that is metold instead of a story retold, because there aren’t any particular twists in the story or anything, it’s just the narrative has a very distinctive character. Mine.


It’s not as simple as it might seem. I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface. There’s so much I don’t know, but I just wanted to go for it. As a result, it sounds so rough and untrained. Yet I feel like I’ve learned a fair amount. If only I could get good at this. But that, like everything else, will take time. It took me twenty one years to be as good at art as I am now. That’s a sobering thought. Still, I think I can produce something of worth, at least a half-decent Christmas present for a few of my siblings. And if I got better… I think there are a lot of possibilities that can be opened. Certainly what I’ve experienced has helped me to know what I should prepare for if I decide to tackle this again in the future– going over the writing more, get used to speaking the lines, stuff like that. It has its own degree of tedium as well, just like art. But unlike art, you can’t so easily watch a movie while you work.


I’m trying not to think about the potential it might have by way of earning money. That never goes well. Money.  I don’t like to spend money. Or think of money (because that typically leads me to think about the money that I don’t have, but could definitely use). If I didn’t have to worry about money, I could be free to pursue my own projects and at last satisfy my creative cravings.


Before the break

I have, for lack of a better term, the base layer done for the Princess Bride spoof recording done. I just got to do some fixing, then cleaning up done, and then I can add the trimmings. I’m worried that I might make things worse when I try to fix them. But if I don’t make the attempt, the whole thing is going to seem really rough and sloppy, and I have time, so I may as well make the extra effort. If I continue to do stuff like this, I’m going to have to learn to work on technique, rather than just trying to put stuff out there.


The thing is that tomorrow starts Thanksgiving Break, so the kids will be home and it will be harder to get any recording done, and that goes for Christmas Break as well. I sound best when I think nobody’s around (besides the fact that this is supposed to be a surprise) but it really stunts your work when you can only do it when the kids are at school and you have to find some alone, soundproof space in a house where there are no soundproof walls (which is why I go to the car to record.)


I have to say, even though I don’t know if anything will come of this, it’s nice to branch out and do something besides art. I don’t want to let my art get rusty, so I can’t afford to stay out of it for too long, but it is nice to feel like I don’t have to be strapped down to one thing. Besides, maybe something good will come of this. A few decent Christmas gifts at least.


I also want to note that it’s good to be working today. Yesterday I threw up four times, so I wasn’t about to do any work. But fate was kind to me– we were able to get Sherlock out of the library, so I finally got to watch the first episode with my Mom, and also watch the special features.

Progress again?

Yesterday was really not a good day. I wasn’t getting any work on any of my projects done, I took a super long nap in the afternoon, and I just wasn’t feeling very productive and like I was using my time valuably. Then after dinner I reworked a previous project, and I stayed up late doing some free writing while watching Agents of SHIELD on Hulu. It was a relaxed setting, I think that helped loosen me up a little bit. Today I worked a little bit more on my comedic/storytelling kind of project which right now I’m calling The Ambiguous Title. I might change it to Out of a Clear Blue Sky in reference to my own name which means sky blue. I also touched a little bit into Gimp (art software) to try to get a feel for it. I didn’t get too far, but that’s okay. I’m just glad I was able to do something today. I have to keep working if I want to feel like I’m doing good while I’m here.

Struggles and discouragement

I wanted to try doing something with humor. A search for kindle books through the library proved unfruitful. I thought I could do something with humor, because I like telling funny stories and because I like to be funny in my creative writing. I’ve tried writing comics before, I wondered if there was potential for comedic storytelling. At the very least, I wondered if I could get further with that than with art.


But they don’t teach comedy in school. I don’t know how to go about it. There are no “How to” books on kindle format that I can access online through the library that can help me. Google search’s fruitless. So there’s a part of me that thinks it was a dumb idea anyway. I can be funny sometimes, in conversation or when I write, but it’s probably not something I can bank a lot on. I really only got the idea because my roommate thought I was funny, and I thought things were funnier when spoken aloud than when read in writing. I suppose that’s partly because you laugh more when other people are laughing, and reading is an individual thing.


This is so discouraging, I thought I might do something. Not as a career, of course not, just…. something that I can be proud of.


How do people find out what it is they’re supposed to do and accomplish in life?

Concerns and Thanksgiving

I remember back in the day when my biggest fear used to be public speaking. These days there’s not much that can grip my heart with an icy hand like dealing with finances. It takes a lot out of me. I have such a tendency towards worry. Thanksgiving is coming up. Ideally, Thanksgiving is a time when we set aside feelings of greed and, I submit, concern for what we lack so that we can focus on and give thanks for what we do have.


But lets face it, that’s easier said than done, especially for we who are cautious. I can go without a lot of things,  I just need the assurance that my needs will be met and that everything will be okay. It’s like I said before, I would willingly give up getting Christmas presents and all of that if it meant having a working car, or being able to put more money toward tuition and rent.


Still, let me say that I am grateful that our needs have always been met, and that I’ve never had to worry much before. I really have been taken care of. I believe things will continue to be alright.


Autumn is passing swiftly. More so than I was really prepared for.


Test of endurance

I’m discovering that writing is a test of endurance. I love that I have these projects to work on, it makes me feel like I’m doing something valuable, but sometimes it’s just hard to keep pushing yourself to work on it, because these things take time. My Sherlock spoof just needs to be burned (as in onto a CD, not as in what I should do to some of my past artworks), so now I’m writing up a Princess Bride spoof (I’m about 2/3 done with that), and then I’m also working on more like a comedic storytelling (of the nonfiction-from-my-life) kind of variety. But writing gets stale after an hour or two, just like artwork does. I’m thinking I need to mix things up a bit if I want to keep the color in everything.


Also the car is having even more problems, now the driver’s side door can’t open from the inside as well as the outside. It’s almost funny to me that we can be having difficulty driving a functioning car for the stupid reason of not being able to get in and out of the car. But Christmas is coming up, there’s not much chance we’ll be getting a new one this year. Which, to me, is kinda sad. We don’t need more books or movies or games, but we could really do with a reliable car.



Just wanted to add that I tried a new recipe today, which I don’t like doing, but it turned out alright. I should make a habit of this.

Beginning of end game

Our car is having difficulties. It’s been having difficulties for a while, but we haven’t been able to get a new one– what with medical expenses and tuition and such. I honestly wouldn’t mind if our whole family decided to forgo getting Christmas presents in exchange for a new car.


The year is winding down, so I’ve got to get some things figured out for when I go to BYU-I next year. I’m trying to get that handled. I’m almost done with my special project, just got some burning to do. I’d like to do more and similar, but I need to make some adjustments, because the software I was using was only a demo, so after I used it a certain number of times, it wouldn’t let me save the files. Still, it’s worth looking into. Who knows what this could become, you know? I don’t think the effort will be wasted. I’m grateful for this opportunity to expand my horizons a bit, and try new things. Maybe develop new talents.


Still excited about those desktop wallpaper ideas.


Creative wallpapers + project

Today I discovered a creative way to make really cool desktop wallpapers for your computer. It’s so easy, just turn the visualizer on in your iTunes and take a screenshot of it. Voila.



About my other projects, I’m creating the cover for my audiobook. One of these days, I should learn graphic design on the computer, so it would look cooler and more professional, but what I’m doing will work well enough. After all, this whole project happened kind of by accident. I’m getting that creative adrenaline rush, so I’ve been wanting to come up with a whole bunch of projects in preparation for Christmas.


When I was a kid, I prepared for Christmas starting in October. I’d come up with all sorts of ideas for homemade Christmas presents and stuff. These days, I still like the idea of creating homemade Christmas presents, but I have much higher standards as to the quality of those presents. Last year I wrote a comic. This year I’m creating an audiobook, which is a step up in my mind. I like to think there are more things that I can do, I’ve got some ideas running around in my head, but none specific enough to be really helpful; videos, books, audio recordings, sewing projects, homemade nicknacks…. hopefully something will occur to me, because I really love having projects to work on.



I’ve been napping a lot. Maybe getting up at 5:30 every weekday is taking its toll. Then there’s also the fact that I’m a light sleeper. So when my sisters get up in the middle of the night for a drink (which happened twice last night) I have to try to get to sleep all over again.


Also, while I’m thrilled and excited about my latest project as mentioned in my last post, sometimes it’s hard to muster the motivation to work on it. It’s like that with most projects I suppose, a lot of excitement at the beginning, and then the tedium required to actually complete it. That’s why it was a good thing I was halfway done with it before realizing it was going to be a project. But now that I’ve got the idea and I want to do more similar things, I’ve got to focus more to get it done.


It was nice today though, I went out on a little expedition with my parents and brother and sister. There are a lot of cool nature walks here in Ohio, it’s great for picture taking.