The problem with art is that I have a lot of intrinsic motivation, but not much by the way of extrinsic motivation. In particular, I’m thinking of a salary. I’ve never really though I have much of a chance at making any sort of money on my art, but I guess I still maintained a hope that I was wrong. I get a lot of positive feedback from other people, in this last year I even got considerable praise from an art major. I give a lot more credit to compliments I receive from art majors. As for everybody else, they’re wonderful and good friends, but good friends don’t always make the best critics. It seems that even though I’ve been acutely aware of that fact, I still allowed myself to think that maybe something would come of my artwork. Looking at it realistically, however, it seems unlikely that I would even make enough to cover the expense of the art supplies. I don’t know why I’m pursuing this so hard, I’m not even an art major. I suppose I could make it into one of my clusters (which is like a half of a minor, I think it’s unique to BYU-I), but I have a hard time in art classes, because I keep comparing myself to others and art becomes stressful.
It’s ironic that people tell you to follow your dreams. When you think about it, it would seem like they’re trying to set you up for failure. You wake up from dreams after all (my dream last night included a high school classmate of mine dancing a Dancing with the Stars style number as the final act of an Extravadance performance.) I have the hardest time trying to wake myself up. I love art, I really do, but I kinda think it would be nice if I got myself to face reality before reality wakes me up from my dream. It wouldn’t be pleasant.
If only I could be sure one way or the other.
Anyway, on to a less angsty topic. I had meant to comment more about the relationship between Sandra and Yuki, the featured characters in my most recent image. They aren’t exactly the most sisterly of sisters, but they’re all each other has, until Sandra gets married off to the Fairy King and Yuki-onna starts chasing after a mortal. Of course they have their mother, Ivanna the Snow Queen, but Ivanna’s heart is literally the coldest in the world and she has no love for her daughters, or anybody. Sandra and Yuki are both capable of love, but it’s a struggle for them, especially with Ivanna teaching them that love is nothing but a lot of bio-chemical processes experienced by mortals which one must transcend in order to become free and powerful.
In my mind, Yuki was the one who would defy Ivanna more actively, and would be deliberately antagonistic. Yuki wanted to prove Ivanna wrong about love. But again, Yuki herself struggled with the concept of love, and can be a bit rash and thoughtless at times. Because of that, things turn a bit messy for her. This is where the fairy tale comes in. While she was working one day (think of her as an ice elemental, fey, a spirit of winter), she was seen by a mortal. She vowed she would kill him if he ever told anybody about her, and fey are bound by the vows they make. But the mortal was a handsome young man. She would appear to him later in mortal form, and they eventually get married. As the years go by, she looks more and more fey-like. He tells her one day that she looks like a snow spirit he saw once. According to her promise, Yuki must kill him, but she can’t bear the thought of it, so she breaks that promise– which bears fatal consequences for her. In a twisted kind of way, she died for love. Even in death she was defying Ivanna.
Sandra never gave as much thought to love as Yuki, until she was made part of a marriage of alliance to the Fairy King, who had a great capacity for love. That’s a different story though, and not based on a fairy tale, so I have to make it up myself, which presents a few difficulties.